Before I encountered the possibility of adulthood and archetypal initiatory processes, I was mostly a strange human being with too many considerations and questions for my friends and loved ones. I had learned to mostly be quieter than I really wanted to be. Unconsciously, I had figured out that I could be a little louder, and little crazier when I and my friends would be drinking alcohol. I would go unnoticed.
Before soon, I went on the road to finally meet the possibility of growing up. What I discovered was beyond my expectations of what a human being is really. My guess is that I am still at the beginning of this journey, and my human soul is still mostly uncharted territory. That, I am glad about, it gives me something to do for the rest of my life.
But I digress... At the beginning of this journey, I met a Man. I capitalize Man for a reason. He had learned, through dying many many times, the possibility and the value of Being Nothing in the presence of a Woman. This time, me. It was the first time that my Everythingness was held, seen and most of all, welcomed. Not being naive, I didn't let my guard down so easily. He had to work to gain access to the source. And he did. We would go to cafes, and restaurants, he would sit there with his book open, a pen in his hand, ready to fire question in my direction to access the Source.
These were the best times. Experiencing oneself being jacked-in into a source, The Source is by far one of the most exhilarating adventure that I found. We filled up pages and pages of multiple Beep Books with ideas, distinctions, maps, processes, adventures, ...
Ahead of me, the Man became quickly unsatisfied that those jewels were stuck on a piece of paper unavailable to the world. He wanted to share them with the world. But I didn't care! I just wanted to be The Source again and again. Back then, I thought I could not access it without him holding an empty space for the source to speak into. When this stopped, I went through six months of deep liquid states, not really knowing what to do with myself. I was back to being left to my own devices.
Slowly, I took his advice and started writing articles, blog post and poems. It was pretty painful and not getting even close to the ecstasy of having my Feminine Universe pulled out of me by the polarity of his Masculine necessity.
I had heard of the process of Jacking-in to my Archetypal Lineage. First, I rejected the idea outright. For starters, I didn't believe that I had any contact with my Archetypal Lineage, not being able to write or speak without an avid listener. It all seemed to be very esoteric and wishful thinking.
A few weeks before we planned to depart on a four-month writing retreat (I can let you imagine how exciting that sounded to me at the time), I blurted out: "I think it is time that I jack-in to my Archetypal Lineage". I had no idea where my change of mind came from, and I had enough experience in mind-changing that I did not question it. What was the point?
So I did. I jacked-in to my Archetypal Lineage surrounded by a circle of 20 plus edgeworkers who had been working their butts-off for four days to expand their consciousness in my presence during a Possibility Lab in Mallorca. Nothing I can really tell you can prepare you for this experience. In my case, I felt immensely supported and loved, completely carried by the tribe.
I guess I expected to be different the next day. I expected feeling more awakened or experiencing some sort of electricity through my body. I definitely expected something to be different. Well... it wasn't. I am not saying that it is like that for everybody. I have heard so many different stories about initiatory processes that it is not realistic to make any rules about how it goes.
However, it was not until a month later that I suddenly notice changes. I would start to talk before any of my colleagues in a group had a chance to start, even before anyone asked questions. Things just had to come out of my mouth. And I could talk for minutes, hours, without tiring or being afraid that I was bothering anybody. If they didn't want to listen to what was being said, they could go somewhere else or hang up the phone. I wasn't going to shut up.
The biggest shift happened one morning. This man and I were creating, coming up with ideas and processes and finer distinctions. Accompanying the previously felt ecstasy, came some anger. It told me: "What is the point of us having all those cool ideas, if no one is going to use them to create something different in their lives for themselves and for others?!? This is pointless if only WE get to have ecstasy but not other people. Those things are not for us. We cannot even make use of all of them."
At that point, I realized that I didn't need anybody for me to access The Source (aka among other things, my Archetypal Lineage). I could now do that on my own.
I also realized that the driving force in me to gain access to the source was now to share it as widely and as largely as I could. Keeping the ecstasy and the discoveries for myself was not part of the deal anymore.